Last week, I was out walking the dog on one of the rare sunny days we’ve had, and a woman stopped me in the street to introduce herself. Evidently, she’d seen me on LinkedIn (which makes me an influencer, right?) and had realised our two boys had been to primary school together.

We chatted, and I asked how her son was, particularly in the build-up to GCSEs.

“It’s been difficult,” she said, “He never really went back after COVID, and there’s just nothing I can do to get him in.”

“Has the school been helping you?” I asked.

“Not really,” she said, “To be honest, I don’t think they know what to do either.”

We chatted for a few more minutes, and then, wishing her the best, I carried on.

But I couldn’t get this conversation out of my mind. This boy had been a high achiever and sociable and had willingly gone to school every morning. But now, he barely left his room, refusing to do any work set for him online, let alone venture through the gates into a classroom.

And he’s not the only one from my son’s primary cohort to struggle. One of my mum’s ‘granny friends’, as I affectionately call them, has been asking for advice from me on what she can do to get her grandson to attend. He’s been a school refuser for at least two years, too.

Again, I’ve asked, “What has the school been doing to help you?”

“Not much,” has been the consistent response.

Now, don’t get me wrong. This isn’t a case of ‘let’s bash the schools for being a bit sh*t with this.’ It’s a case of ‘what the heck can we all do to help these kids?’ Clearly, the current system isn’t working, and something needs to change. But what?

Understanding the reality of school refusal

A recent Guardian article shed light on the painful reality of school refusal - where pupils are unable to attend school due to acute anxiety, depression, neurodiversity or other factors. It poignantly captured the heartbreak and struggle experienced by affected pupils and their families while also highlighting the widespread misunderstanding and stigma surrounding this issue.

After all, it’s not a choice or a behavioural problem for the reported 140,000 children who are ‘severely absent’ from the classroom but a genuine struggle. It’s not about truancy either, which implies a willful decision to skip school. Instead, school refusal stems from complex mental health challenges that mean students are unable to attend despite their desire to do so.

When school refusal is misunderstood as defiance or laziness, it compounds the pain already experienced by children and their families. In fact, the charity Action for Children has seen a 60% rise in parents or carers seeking support with school refusal problems.

Well-meaning but misinformed individuals often advocate for a "tough love" approach, insisting that parents should force their children to attend school. However, this fundamentally misunderstands the nature of the problem and can be incredibly damaging for all involved.

So, what can we do to change the narrative?

Supporting children with compassion and understanding

The answer lies in responding with genuine understanding, compassion, and patience. Schools must prioritise mental health and overall wellbeing over strict attendance policies, creating individualised support plans in collaboration with students, families and mental health professionals.

Rather than focusing on forced attendance, schools should work towards a gradual return to the classroom at a pace that feels manageable for the pupil, with flexibility, alternative learning spaces or part-time timetables on offer. The goal must always be to maintain engagement and progress while alleviating anxiety.

But it’s also about supporting the school. Providing the appropriate mental health support often falls into the laps of already overworked teachers — yet another area they seemingly have to specialise in. But it’s not realistic. Instead, children and their families should receive support from services like CAMHS or school counsellors - which I know isn’t always easy in itself.

But by working in partnership with these professionals, schools can ensure that young people receive the specialised care they need and that teachers are equipped to support them with the right advice.

Creating a culture of inclusivity and understanding

It’s the role of the leadership team and the teachers/support staff to create and maintain a culture of inclusivity and understanding. It’s a good idea to provide the team with appropriate training to develop a nuanced understanding of school refusal. By destigmatising mental health struggles and promoting open dialogue, schools can create a safe and supportive environment for everyone. But bear in mind, this may include challenging conversations around unconscious bias!

Ultimately, successfully supporting children with school refusal requires a shift. We must move away from the notion that "toughening up" or punishment is the answer. Instead, we need to approach this complex issue with empathy, recognising that each young person’s journey is unique. There is no one-size-fits-all solution, but the common thread should be an unwavering commitment to compassion and care.

We have a responsibility to change the narrative surrounding school refusal. We must challenge misconceptions and advocate for greater understanding and support. Schools have a vital role to play in leading this charge, but it requires all of us to approach this issue with open hearts and minds.

If you’d like some support with mental health or with unconscious bias in your school, why not chat with our Doug - he can tell you what we can offer you and your team. Simply email - This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.